Oops...and some musing.

I missed a weekend. In my defense, it was a very busy one. I spent Friday getting upset over something very, very silly, and then I was out of the house most of Saturday. Sunday was devoted to putting several hours of effort into writing an exam, and I'm very glad I did because it turned out really well. All of that means I didn't get to the positives thing this time.

Often when I miss something once, I will take that as an excuse to stop doing it altogether. "I've already blown the streak, may as well not bother now" or somesuch. However, I am going to post this weekend (perhaps tomorrow). I mean that!

I've also been meaning to post about why I am posting positives. Since it is not yet time for another weekend post, I think I'll do that now.

So. Why list positive things I did/positive things that happened/things I love? I am honestly not sure.

I do not like to call myself a depressed person, but I have been diagnosed as such, and I certainly have a predisposition to cope poorly. I also struggle with self-esteem. I have a lot of negative thoughts that float around in my head, even though I do not rationally believe them; things like "I hate myself," "I hate my life," etc. come to mind regularly just as habit, I think.

I started this blog because a friend does something similar, and it sounded like a good thing to do. I did not have a specific plan or idea of what I would be improving with it. In theory, a list of accomplishments is a good place to start with challenging thoughts like "I hate myself," and lists of things I enjoy doing and things I love are good for challenging the more general ingrained "I hate my life" thoughts.

It's difficult for me to challenge all of my self-esteem issues with a list of accomplishments, though. It sounds sort of shallow, but I've never been able to accept the way I look. Worrying about it is probably the #1 reason I find myself crying. I honestly don't know what I can do to work on this aspect, but I know I can accept that I am a decent person who does good things and still be upset that I am not attractive.

Maybe the ultimately healthy version of myself would remove attractiveness from my sense of self-worth entirely, and maybe I am working toward that by focusing on positive accomplishments. I guess I'll see.